Welcome back! Yes, I totally just welcomed myself back to my own website. Deal with it. I know it’s been a while since my last post (honestly, I was kind of appalled when I realized I hadn’t written anything since March!) but anyway, spring is here and it’s time to get back in the game.
And speaking of spring – not only is this the season of flowers and sunshine and rompers (ugh – if I see a camel-toe, you’re dead to me) but it’s also the season when girls get whiny – like, really whiny – about being single. There’s something in the air that makes chicks want to be with someone in a more-than-casual capacity, and honestly, as an unattached female, I get it. As cheesy as it sounds, now that the weather has turned, I want a guy who will hold my hand in public when we walk around the city, and take me on a picnic just because it’s finally 80 degrees and sunny, and help me clean off my back patio so I can successfully grill outside (or so he can successfully grill outside, let’s be real.). And yes, someone to have consistent, um, physical contact with wouldn’t hurt either.
But, here’s the catch. Contrary to what Lifetime or Disney or, oh, your dreams might have you believe, perfect men don’t just fall out of the sky and into your living room (or bed). Being in a relationship means you have to find someone first, and finding someone means you have to look, and looking means you have to get off your ass and be slightly proactive about interacting with the human race. And, let’s face it, girls suck because they don’t want to do anything except cry about being alone. Guess what Sweetheart – that doesn’t help. At all.
So, let’s think about this logically. You want a boyfriend. Some single man out there wants a girlfriend. What do you do? First, stop moping. Then (all while being as normal and non-needy as possible)…
Dress like you give a shit. Have you ever heard that saying “Don’t dress for the job you have – dress for the job you want?” Well, if you haven’t, you’re welcome. Now, stretch your mind and try to apply that thought to our current scenario. Wearing ratty sweats and T-shirts stolen from one-night stands in the privacy of your own living room where your cats are the only, uh, people who can judge you is acceptable; wearing that same ensemble out into the world is not. Or, is not if you’re concerned about someone hitting on you. Look, if you know me, you know I’m basically the authority on dressing down. There are some people reading this who probably knew me for years before they ever saw me put on a dress, and you better fucking believe if it’s a Saturday morning and I may or may not still be drunk, I’m wearing my pajamas to the Wawa down the street. But, the reality of the situation is this: if you’re an adult female trying to snag an adult male, you have to look relatively attractive if you want attention. And no, I’m also not saying dress like a whore. I just mean dress in what makes you look and feel good, and might drive someone else to want to make you feel good, as well.
Talk to people. Duh. Yes, this has to go on the list. It’s amazing how many of my girlfriends will say, “Oh. Em. Gee. I was in line at Starbucks and the guy behind me was so cute and he had great shoes and he had a puppy that was adorable and he was holding The Fountainhead which is my favorite book ever EVER and he was wearing a T-shirt from my college and I think I’m in love.” And then I say, “Congrats! Did you get his number?” And then they say, “Obvi not, I didn’t even smile at him.” Ok. Really? I know that all of us girls want to believe that the guy always has to make the first move, but that’s dumb. I’m not saying throw yourself at every penis that you might be attracted to, but definitely absolutely positively make conversation when the opportunity is staring you in the face and there are 900 things you could ask him while you’re waiting for your coffee. Yes, he might have a girlfriend. Yes, he might be gay. Yes, he even might be totally uninterested in you. But so what – you took 12 seconds out of your day and said hi to someone. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll offer to buy your soy mocha latte with half whipped cream and a shot of vanilla caramel sprinkled with chocolate and crack and want to discuss Ayn Rand with you in a corner booth. Human interaction for the win!
Whore yourself out to friends. No, don’t make them pay you for your company…but do let them know that you’re single and ready to mingle (but ew, don’t use that phrase. It sounds weird.). I know, it might be rare that one of these “So, I really, really think you and my friend Dan would get along so well!! Here’s his number.” situations works out, but hey, you never know. If that kind of blatant set-up freaks the hell out of you, go for a tamer version. Ask your friend to invite you and Dan to the same house party, open bar, happy hour, or open bar and facilitate the introduction. Basically, the more people who know you’re ready to date, the better. The end.
Hit the Internet. Yes, I do mean online dating. When I first moved to the big, bad city I currently live in, I knew what felt like two people. I didn’t have a close group of girlfriends and my core drinking buddies were dudes, which, let’s face it, is not conducive to picking up other dudes. After being literally dragged to my computer by my roommate, I joined a dating site that shall remain nameless, and guess what – I loved it. I went out with some weirdos (okay, mostly weirdos), but I almost always had a good time, I met some cool people, tried out some new bars and got a lot of free drinks (and the stories I have are absolutely priceless. For real.). Is it frustrating? A little bit, yes – for every good guy you find, there are at least 17 creepers to wade through. But is it fun and easy and painless – a lot bit, yes. And hey, you can flirt from the comfort of your couch, with your cats, wearing those ratty sweatpants I yelled at you for earlier. You don’t even need to take a fucking shower to spit game. Bam.
Throw out your lists. All of them. If you’re whining about being single because you have a checklist as long as a roll of toilet paper of all the things you look for in a man and you’re refusing to compromise on any one of your ridiculous qualifications, I have no sympathy for you. If you take every other piece of my advice but say “no” to each person who doesn’t meet all of your insane “needs,” you will be single forever. Dating is about having new experiences with new people and giving yourself and others a chance. Saying “yes” to a drink doesn’t mean you have to get married – it just means you have to be open to the possibility of…something good.
If you’re one of those people who reads the first and last sentence of a story, a) you’re lazy, considering there aren’t even 1500 words in this whole post and b) here’s your major take-away: if you’re looking for a boyfriend, just try. Try something. Put yourself out there, even if it’s the tiniest “out there” ever. The world doesn’t bite, and most men don’t either (unless it’s been a night where you’ve only taken tequila shots – then all bets are off), and you have nothing to lose by looking cute, being nice and saying hi. Two letters. Give it a shot. Report back to me. Over and out.